My ex has been blowing my phone up for almost a week now. It's the most complicated situation I have ever been in, and it sucks. I feel like everyone's happiness rests on my shoulders. The guilt of not getting with my ex will haunt me because of my children. The guilt of hurting Hair Man and all the what if's I will face if I don't give me a shot will kill me.

It was so easy before, yeah my ex hurt me but I still wanted to be with him no matter what because I was crazy about him and was committed. But now I have released my grips and let him go, not completley but enough to have this dilema. If this was me a year ago, 6 months ago, hell even 2 months ago it would be a done deal. We would be well on our way to happily ever after (followed by lots of counseling!!)

But I feel like these last 2 months have changed me, I want to be selfish for once and put my own happiness on the top of my priority list. My kids will always come first, but like the old saying..."If mommy ain't happy, no one is happy!" It's so true though, kids feel when your happy and when your down in the dumps. I hate it when my son has to play the friend role. It makes me feel like a dissappointing mother, if i would have made better choices in the past and left my ex a long time before my son wouldn't have the memories of mommy crying all the time (especially through my pregnancy). I hate it, he feels like he needs to be my shoulder, mommy what's wrong lets talk! What 5 year old on earth says that, well mine does. He's the sweetest child alive, but i feel like he's so much wiser than he should be.

I have never told him anything his father did to make me cry instead I always said mommys having a rough day or i don't feel well. He would give me this huge smile and say look don't i make you happy while pointing to his little teeth. That usually did it too, i would start laughing and then i was all better. I never wanted to tell him or let him sense the sadness caused by his dad, I feared he would hate men. I never wanted him to be mad at his dad, because I knew that would scar my son for life. But I must admit it hurt watching him love all over his daddy and vise versa while I sat there pregnant and pissed off at the world.

Well it feels good to get all this off my chest, but my dilema is still here. Sitting in the pit of my stomach boiling. I have never felt like I could vomit at any time like I have this past week. The feeling like no matter what you do someone is going to hate you for it.

well I guess to be continued yet again......

So a few days ago i had a missed call from my ex, not a big deal he calls daily to check in on the chillins. Well when i called him back I asked what was up, he said nothing. Well is everything ok or did you want to know something about the kids? Nope. Well then why did you call? I just wanted to chat. Ummmmm hold up did he just say he wanted to chat? like talk? with me? why? about what? This is too strange! He said i'm actually busy right now but i'll call you later. Uhhhh ok, i said.

Here is the thing about my ex..... he is a great father, BUT sometimes his priorities are a little fucked up. He is immature and young, but has a good heart. I can't complain in the daddy department. However he screwed up royally with me. Which leads us to the mysterious phone call! I never heard from him again that day. The next day i get a text message that said "Are you bringing mason over tuesday so we can go get a christmas tree? Thats what i wanted to talk to you about well that and the fact that i miss my family." This is classic it's christmas a time for being with your loved ones, everyone gets lonely during the holidays especially seperated couples with kids. Not to mention he wouldn't be lonely during the holidays if he would have treated his family better while he had them.

I asked where all this was coming from. And he said he has been missing us for a while but didn't know how to tell me. This is great, i'm finally moving on and happy with Hair Man and he pulls this shit. I think guys can sense when your happy and moving on with life, that's when they come in full force and crap on your parade. So what exactly do you miss???? Everything, he said. Well i don't miss fighting, being abandoned, and feeling trapped in what was our home. He went on to state all the good things he missed and that he didn't want to get back together just needed someone to talk to and knew i would understand.

This lasted all of 3 days then the jealousy started. Who are you dating, what's his name, what does he look like??? Why does he care all of the sudden! I don't get it. Two months ago we slept together and i thought we could work things out, that he had grown up. Then less than a week later he wasn't ready and sure! Typical bullshit, so i said fuck it, it will never happen i need to move on and get over him. And that's what i have been doing and now this! The reason he wasn't ready then is because he was scared, but he's sure now.

He has grown up and wants his family back. Things will be different this time, he's a man now! Our relationship was 100% his fault and he will tell everyone and anyone that! Ok he is officially on drugs. This is not the ex i remember. My ex never admitted he was wrong and certaintly never said i'm sorry. He twisted everything and manipulated me into believing i was the cause of all his wrong doings. But he says he has changed. WELL WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

What do i do now??? Give him a shot or say too little too late bud! I'm so confused, i like Hair Man but my ex holds my heart. He has also stomped on it and kicked it a few hundred times also! My kids would freak if we got back together they love and adore him, i almost feel damned if i do damned if i don't. If he really has changed then this could be the kids and my future happiness at stake as well as being a family again. If it turns out to be a crock i have yet again let myself down and my children. I would die if i hurt them again by leaving their father. They don't understand, the hardest thing i've ever had to do was leaving that man. Leaving someone you love and your kids love, well sucks. But he did not love me back and hurt me over and over again. At least i thought he didn't love me, now he says he always has. He was just young, stupid, immature and now he has seen the errors in his ways.

What to do what to do. Poor Hair Man has done everything perfect, and the ex has done everything wrong and yet it is still a dilema. Why must life be this hard? Well when we were together he always said he wasn't happy, he just wants to be happy. Now its...you are the only one that can make me happy! I just don't understand.

I told him to wait and after the holidays if he still felt the same way then we would talk and until then we are freinds. If i did decide to give him another shot there would be lots of counseling and no living together unless we get married first. I think there was never that commitment on his behalf before. I was completly commited to him but he was always on the fence. So i have learned my lesson, if he wants me and the kids he will marry my sweet ass.

to be continued......

So things have been going pretty awesome between hair man and myself. We get along great and he makes me smile and laugh. I know what's going to happen next I'm going to sike myself out. Get paranoid, self conscious...etc. I mean he's young, single can do anything at the drop of a hat. Me on the other hand, i gave up my freedom years ago. Mommy's can't do crazy spontaneous things on a whim, they have to find sitters, and if they do the night might be cut short if someone has a tummy ache. I think he's a great guy and if something ever came up he would completely understand, but how do you tell someone you like...sorry, but you will never come first, you will always sit backseat, and by being with me you are ultimately getting my 2 children as well.

Dating a single mom can be really fun, especially when you have cool kids like mine : ) but unfortunately no matter how rad your kids are they still pitch fits, get sick, and put a damper on date night. They don't mean to it's just all part of the game. The game I signed up for and he did not.

I've read about this book called "Three- Martini Playdate", it's about raising children and still having mommy time (adult time). Not to revolve your entire world around your children and to have a life of your own, they will thank you for it. I can't wait to read it, because I feel like my kids are my universe. If i had an afternoon to myself I don't know what I'd do...well probably sleep.

My point to this really long drawn out post is....Can a single man with no children and or attachments adapt to a already concrete family? And although he likes my kids can he fully understand the concept of dating a single mom? Can he ultimately settle down and fall in love with my kids or will I be foolish to put my heart and my children's on the line? Is it better to risk falling in love for the quest of happiness or stay away and be safe? Does happily ever after really exist?

peace,

an extremely confused..
Free Spirited Mama

I know that thanksgiving was less than a week ago but I have already started playing Christmas music. I love it, I can't help it I'm one of those self admitted Christmas music freaks. You know....the people who sing along in their cars, nod and smile while it plays in the grocery store, yes that's me. I get sickeningly (have no clue if this is a word) happy and festive. I am usually the person who makes fun of stupid happy people, but this time of year I am one!

Well Thanksgiving was fun and painful. All my family came to town it was great to see them and hang with my cousins. However my sister acted like a complete psychopath, the one that's married to my brother in law psychopath, it was interesting. Well besides that it was nice. Saturday we had a Fuck Cancer surprise party for my aunt. She is a 5 year cancer survivor, the party was fun my cousin and I stayed up the night before and made everyone F@*k Cancer t-shirts. They were funny.

Every woman in my family got up super early on Black Friday to go shopping on the Big Sale day! I think we were at Toys R Us by 4:30 am along with all the other raging lunatics. It was cold and early and i debated seriously turning around and going home. But I thought of my kids and nieces and nephews and decided to stay, fight the crowds and get them some good shit. The line wrapped all the way around the building, then zig zagged like a maze. It was self inflicted torture! Not too many crazy ladies out on Friday though I usually see some ridiculous scrap about a sale item, it's actually amusing. But nothing this year not even a melt down by a toddler, it was like I was in the twilight zone. Hmmm maybe next year won't disappoint.

Well I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving with not too much family drama and good luck with the Christmas shopping!

Peace

Freespirited mama