My ex has been blowing my phone up for almost a week now. It's the most complicated situation I have ever been in, and it sucks. I feel like everyone's happiness rests on my shoulders. The guilt of not getting with my ex will haunt me because of my children. The guilt of hurting Hair Man and all the what if's I will face if I don't give me a shot will kill me.

It was so easy before, yeah my ex hurt me but I still wanted to be with him no matter what because I was crazy about him and was committed. But now I have released my grips and let him go, not completley but enough to have this dilema. If this was me a year ago, 6 months ago, hell even 2 months ago it would be a done deal. We would be well on our way to happily ever after (followed by lots of counseling!!)

But I feel like these last 2 months have changed me, I want to be selfish for once and put my own happiness on the top of my priority list. My kids will always come first, but like the old saying..."If mommy ain't happy, no one is happy!" It's so true though, kids feel when your happy and when your down in the dumps. I hate it when my son has to play the friend role. It makes me feel like a dissappointing mother, if i would have made better choices in the past and left my ex a long time before my son wouldn't have the memories of mommy crying all the time (especially through my pregnancy). I hate it, he feels like he needs to be my shoulder, mommy what's wrong lets talk! What 5 year old on earth says that, well mine does. He's the sweetest child alive, but i feel like he's so much wiser than he should be.

I have never told him anything his father did to make me cry instead I always said mommys having a rough day or i don't feel well. He would give me this huge smile and say look don't i make you happy while pointing to his little teeth. That usually did it too, i would start laughing and then i was all better. I never wanted to tell him or let him sense the sadness caused by his dad, I feared he would hate men. I never wanted him to be mad at his dad, because I knew that would scar my son for life. But I must admit it hurt watching him love all over his daddy and vise versa while I sat there pregnant and pissed off at the world.

Well it feels good to get all this off my chest, but my dilema is still here. Sitting in the pit of my stomach boiling. I have never felt like I could vomit at any time like I have this past week. The feeling like no matter what you do someone is going to hate you for it.

well I guess to be continued yet again......