My ex has been blowing my phone up for almost a week now. It's the most complicated situation I have ever been in, and it sucks. I feel like everyone's happiness rests on my shoulders. The guilt of not getting with my ex will haunt me because of my children. The guilt of hurting Hair Man and all the what if's I will face if I don't give me a shot will kill me.

It was so easy before, yeah my ex hurt me but I still wanted to be with him no matter what because I was crazy about him and was committed. But now I have released my grips and let him go, not completley but enough to have this dilema. If this was me a year ago, 6 months ago, hell even 2 months ago it would be a done deal. We would be well on our way to happily ever after (followed by lots of counseling!!)

But I feel like these last 2 months have changed me, I want to be selfish for once and put my own happiness on the top of my priority list. My kids will always come first, but like the old saying..."If mommy ain't happy, no one is happy!" It's so true though, kids feel when your happy and when your down in the dumps. I hate it when my son has to play the friend role. It makes me feel like a dissappointing mother, if i would have made better choices in the past and left my ex a long time before my son wouldn't have the memories of mommy crying all the time (especially through my pregnancy). I hate it, he feels like he needs to be my shoulder, mommy what's wrong lets talk! What 5 year old on earth says that, well mine does. He's the sweetest child alive, but i feel like he's so much wiser than he should be.

I have never told him anything his father did to make me cry instead I always said mommys having a rough day or i don't feel well. He would give me this huge smile and say look don't i make you happy while pointing to his little teeth. That usually did it too, i would start laughing and then i was all better. I never wanted to tell him or let him sense the sadness caused by his dad, I feared he would hate men. I never wanted him to be mad at his dad, because I knew that would scar my son for life. But I must admit it hurt watching him love all over his daddy and vise versa while I sat there pregnant and pissed off at the world.

Well it feels good to get all this off my chest, but my dilema is still here. Sitting in the pit of my stomach boiling. I have never felt like I could vomit at any time like I have this past week. The feeling like no matter what you do someone is going to hate you for it.

well I guess to be continued yet again......

So a few days ago i had a missed call from my ex, not a big deal he calls daily to check in on the chillins. Well when i called him back I asked what was up, he said nothing. Well is everything ok or did you want to know something about the kids? Nope. Well then why did you call? I just wanted to chat. Ummmmm hold up did he just say he wanted to chat? like talk? with me? why? about what? This is too strange! He said i'm actually busy right now but i'll call you later. Uhhhh ok, i said.

Here is the thing about my ex..... he is a great father, BUT sometimes his priorities are a little fucked up. He is immature and young, but has a good heart. I can't complain in the daddy department. However he screwed up royally with me. Which leads us to the mysterious phone call! I never heard from him again that day. The next day i get a text message that said "Are you bringing mason over tuesday so we can go get a christmas tree? Thats what i wanted to talk to you about well that and the fact that i miss my family." This is classic it's christmas a time for being with your loved ones, everyone gets lonely during the holidays especially seperated couples with kids. Not to mention he wouldn't be lonely during the holidays if he would have treated his family better while he had them.

I asked where all this was coming from. And he said he has been missing us for a while but didn't know how to tell me. This is great, i'm finally moving on and happy with Hair Man and he pulls this shit. I think guys can sense when your happy and moving on with life, that's when they come in full force and crap on your parade. So what exactly do you miss???? Everything, he said. Well i don't miss fighting, being abandoned, and feeling trapped in what was our home. He went on to state all the good things he missed and that he didn't want to get back together just needed someone to talk to and knew i would understand.

This lasted all of 3 days then the jealousy started. Who are you dating, what's his name, what does he look like??? Why does he care all of the sudden! I don't get it. Two months ago we slept together and i thought we could work things out, that he had grown up. Then less than a week later he wasn't ready and sure! Typical bullshit, so i said fuck it, it will never happen i need to move on and get over him. And that's what i have been doing and now this! The reason he wasn't ready then is because he was scared, but he's sure now.

He has grown up and wants his family back. Things will be different this time, he's a man now! Our relationship was 100% his fault and he will tell everyone and anyone that! Ok he is officially on drugs. This is not the ex i remember. My ex never admitted he was wrong and certaintly never said i'm sorry. He twisted everything and manipulated me into believing i was the cause of all his wrong doings. But he says he has changed. WELL WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

What do i do now??? Give him a shot or say too little too late bud! I'm so confused, i like Hair Man but my ex holds my heart. He has also stomped on it and kicked it a few hundred times also! My kids would freak if we got back together they love and adore him, i almost feel damned if i do damned if i don't. If he really has changed then this could be the kids and my future happiness at stake as well as being a family again. If it turns out to be a crock i have yet again let myself down and my children. I would die if i hurt them again by leaving their father. They don't understand, the hardest thing i've ever had to do was leaving that man. Leaving someone you love and your kids love, well sucks. But he did not love me back and hurt me over and over again. At least i thought he didn't love me, now he says he always has. He was just young, stupid, immature and now he has seen the errors in his ways.

What to do what to do. Poor Hair Man has done everything perfect, and the ex has done everything wrong and yet it is still a dilema. Why must life be this hard? Well when we were together he always said he wasn't happy, he just wants to be happy. Now its...you are the only one that can make me happy! I just don't understand.

I told him to wait and after the holidays if he still felt the same way then we would talk and until then we are freinds. If i did decide to give him another shot there would be lots of counseling and no living together unless we get married first. I think there was never that commitment on his behalf before. I was completly commited to him but he was always on the fence. So i have learned my lesson, if he wants me and the kids he will marry my sweet ass.

to be continued......

So things have been going pretty awesome between hair man and myself. We get along great and he makes me smile and laugh. I know what's going to happen next I'm going to sike myself out. Get paranoid, self conscious...etc. I mean he's young, single can do anything at the drop of a hat. Me on the other hand, i gave up my freedom years ago. Mommy's can't do crazy spontaneous things on a whim, they have to find sitters, and if they do the night might be cut short if someone has a tummy ache. I think he's a great guy and if something ever came up he would completely understand, but how do you tell someone you like...sorry, but you will never come first, you will always sit backseat, and by being with me you are ultimately getting my 2 children as well.

Dating a single mom can be really fun, especially when you have cool kids like mine : ) but unfortunately no matter how rad your kids are they still pitch fits, get sick, and put a damper on date night. They don't mean to it's just all part of the game. The game I signed up for and he did not.

I've read about this book called "Three- Martini Playdate", it's about raising children and still having mommy time (adult time). Not to revolve your entire world around your children and to have a life of your own, they will thank you for it. I can't wait to read it, because I feel like my kids are my universe. If i had an afternoon to myself I don't know what I'd do...well probably sleep.

My point to this really long drawn out post is....Can a single man with no children and or attachments adapt to a already concrete family? And although he likes my kids can he fully understand the concept of dating a single mom? Can he ultimately settle down and fall in love with my kids or will I be foolish to put my heart and my children's on the line? Is it better to risk falling in love for the quest of happiness or stay away and be safe? Does happily ever after really exist?

peace,

an extremely confused..
Free Spirited Mama

I know that thanksgiving was less than a week ago but I have already started playing Christmas music. I love it, I can't help it I'm one of those self admitted Christmas music freaks. You know....the people who sing along in their cars, nod and smile while it plays in the grocery store, yes that's me. I get sickeningly (have no clue if this is a word) happy and festive. I am usually the person who makes fun of stupid happy people, but this time of year I am one!

Well Thanksgiving was fun and painful. All my family came to town it was great to see them and hang with my cousins. However my sister acted like a complete psychopath, the one that's married to my brother in law psychopath, it was interesting. Well besides that it was nice. Saturday we had a Fuck Cancer surprise party for my aunt. She is a 5 year cancer survivor, the party was fun my cousin and I stayed up the night before and made everyone F@*k Cancer t-shirts. They were funny.

Every woman in my family got up super early on Black Friday to go shopping on the Big Sale day! I think we were at Toys R Us by 4:30 am along with all the other raging lunatics. It was cold and early and i debated seriously turning around and going home. But I thought of my kids and nieces and nephews and decided to stay, fight the crowds and get them some good shit. The line wrapped all the way around the building, then zig zagged like a maze. It was self inflicted torture! Not too many crazy ladies out on Friday though I usually see some ridiculous scrap about a sale item, it's actually amusing. But nothing this year not even a melt down by a toddler, it was like I was in the twilight zone. Hmmm maybe next year won't disappoint.

Well I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving with not too much family drama and good luck with the Christmas shopping!

Peace

Freespirited mama

The festivities will be held at me and my sisters house this year. It's our first time hosting a holiday event at our house. Kinda stressful.....cleaning, cooking, re cleaning. When you have kids you literally have to clean while company is pulling in the drive way or else you will end up doing it 10 freakin times. You pick one thing up 5 more on on the floor. I'm excited my whole family is getting together, we are a crazy bunch. Wonder which one will get totally blitz and make a complete ass out of themselves this year? I can see it now....booze, family, and really uptight baptist grandparents. It's going to be awesome.

We all got together in October for our family reunion, in the matter of 2 days we managed to almost get arrested, almost get kicked out of a nice hotel, a dramatic scene from my cousin, and my uncle slugged my other cousin. We are something else, but it always stays entertaining! Every time we all get together we have a blast, and it's kinda like we all make dibs on whose gonna be the family degenerate this year. Often times it's my side of the family that acts a fool! I have 3 sisters and 2 brother in laws, one who is arrogant ass wipe and the other a bipolar psycho path! Good times..... I'm proud to say it was not us at the reunion, it was my uncle and cousins. Thank the Lord, but we still have thanksgiving!!!!!!

When you have a bunch of woman in the same tight space trying to create their own perfect dish the wine bottles get popped pretty early in my family! We will see how the drama unfolds.......and i will try to be a good daughter and parent for every ones sake this year. But ripping my brother in laws heads off happens at least twice a year, and 2008 is coming to an end!



peace

freespirited mama

I got a babysitter this past weekend, it was great. I got a dolled up and went downtown with an old friend from high school.

First let me tell you, lately I've been going through some changes. In the last month I've become a red head and got a new tattoo. This is pretty crazy for me, but I'm so glad i did it. I randomly picked a hair salon out of the phonebook, since I recently moved here I didn't know where to go. I made an appointment for a consultation one afternoon and took my son with me. When i got there i was introduced to the guy that was going to be doing my hair " Hair Man". He was young and really cute, and obviously gay...right? Well we started talking and he was super nice, and i made the appointment to get my hair done the following week. 7 hours after arriving at the salon the transition was final, i was a red head. And yes this was my longest salon experience and the best. We talked the entire time it was crazy it was like we've known each other for years. Rather quickly after chatting with him I realized he was in fact straight!!! Oh no. He's nice, straight, and extremely cute, this is bad! Well after that night we started chatting on the phone and the occasional friendly text. We went to see a band and hung out a few times after that. He was officially a friend, and really good one too. The only problem i have a lot of guy friends (a lot) and i don't get excited every time they call, and i definitely don't get butterflies when their around. So here's the problem i have feelings for this guy that surpass friendship, but does he???

Ok, back to my friend and i go out last Saturday night and meet up with Hair Man and some of his friends. As soon as we get there we play catch up and take this terrible shot that you drop in a beer and chug. It was terrible but i maned up and took it. We started talking and laughing next thing you know we are in our own world. Everything else just faded around us. It was great except I still can't tell how he feels. The thing about nice guys you never know if they are just being NICE! So anyway a few beers later I'm feelin really good and brave....so out of no where I look at him and say "Will you kiss me already". After that our faces were pretty much glued together the rest of the night. So was it the alcohol or true feelings?????

The next day we talked about it and he asked if I did it because i was drunk. He didn't want it to affect our friendship if i regretted it. Awwwww see I told you he was freakin sweet. Well I made it clear it was something I wanted to do for a while, and definitely do again in the future. He felt the exact same way!!!!

So that's my story about Hair Man, we will see what happens.........................

peace
freespirited mama

A wise friend once told me.....

"You cannot fully love your child/children if you hate their father."

My first response to that was bullshit! I love my children dearly and can't stand their fathers, hate is pushing it. But the more I think about it, she was so right. To fully love another person you have to love everything about them. This includes their parents. When I started forgiving my ex's for their past indiscretion's I started becoming a happier person. In return I was enjoying time spent with my kids more, I wasn't looking at my situation anymore as sad. The less time I spent cursing off men and feeling sorry for myself was now more time to enjoy life. The less pissed off I am the less likely I get irritated quicker. If I'm constantly complaining or setting off a bad vibe my kids are going to sense it and in return suffer for it.

For example: I'm gabbing on my cell to my girlfriend bitching about another late child support check. I'm going to get myself all riled up and most likely my friend will add fuel to the fire. "Oh no he didn't, what a loser"!!! What happens here is my daughter will now spill something and instead of saying "uh oh" like a good mommy, i then roll my eyes make a huge gasp and clean it up. If I was in a good mood it would have not been a big deal at all, kids spill stuff no whoopy!!! Or my son will say "mom mom mom mom mom mom" until I snap! Well if I wasn't chatting it up I could have givin him his needed attention. Not saying it's cool for kids to interrupt when adults are on the phone, at all. However my attitude towards him will be somewhat shifted from hold on one second baby to WHAT... I'M ON THE PHONE! We are all guilty of it.

So the point I am trying to make here is LET IT GO. You don't have to love them but for heaven sakes forgive, let it go, and move on with life. They will never change we all know this. Your kids will be sooooooo much happier and so will you!!!!!!!! We never intend on taking out our hard feelings on our kids because they are our foundation our love, but sometimes when we are upset it just happens. I have found the less upset I am at their dads the more loving and happier mom I become.

I know what your thinking put on a happy face and swear at them in your head, but this won't work either. I am not happy with many decisions ex # 1 and ex# 2 have made in the past and definitely don't agree on how i was treated, but i still love them with all my heart. Because if they didn't exist neither would my children!

Peace

Freespirited mama

Now my sister is definately a freespirited mama and she does have two terrific, loving, sweet, smart, funny (I'm running out of adjectives) and well-mannered kids; however, I want to point out that while her hindsight is 20/20, her family spent years biting their tongues to stop themselves from constantly telling her that she was dating a LOSER (and yes i mean both Ex 1 and Ex 2). With all that being said, her family, including myself, are over-the-moon happy that she has taken the steps to remove both herself and her children from what were never a productive relationships and we are hoping that she has learned her lesson, because we have learned ours. Without diminishing my love for her kids (and I could not imagine life without them), next time I see her with a LOSER, and she is bound to fall in lovewith the only LOSER in a crowd, not only will I not bite my tongue, I will be a completely unsupportive sister and shout from the rooftops what a LOSER he is.

And to all women who are single mothers and all people who know and support a single mother, you have my respect and admiration, for the job you have, chosen or not, will never be easy and rarely acknowledged, but the work that you do, the love that you give and the example that you are is what will be your legacy, what your children will learn and what they will teach one day.


the wonderful sister, who selfishly wishes she had more adjectives, and was a better speller.

Sister # 2

So I have caught everyone up on my premommy days, my ex's and my drama filled past. But what I haven't told you is about the present. My children and I have been living with my wonderful sister for going on 4 months now. It's wonderful no man to pick up after, can do whatever I want when I want, my heart has had time to heal, and I'm truly happier now. Mase and Lolee's father sees them from time to time and has never made a child support payment on time, but I do not expect any different. We communicate only because of our children and get along most of the time. He's one of those dad's who tries to act like the victim in front of everyone, but behind closed doors his son begs for him to get on the floor and play with hot wheel cars. But he's to busy because the "Big Game" is on!

Life's not a bed of roses or anything, but it's much better. I like being single, just me and my kids, yeah I miss certain things about having a man, but who doesn't. Anytime i get down and out I think to myself....

Things I don't miss:

*Extra laundry
*Never get to watch what I want on the tube
*A third child to dress, bath, feed and well take care of!
*Never getting freedom
*Never going out with my girls
etc...... you get the point

Things I do miss:

NOTHING (at least about him)

Things I expect from Mr. Next Guy:

*Sweet
*Caring
*Independent
*Decent Job
*Not connected to his mothers nipples
*Doesn't run screaming when he finds out I have two kids
*Not a slob/or a neat freak
*Helpful
*Considerate
*Well perfect!!!!!!!

No more settling I will either be single until I find him or be single forever! I do not need a man, I'm very independent "Super Mom", and love my space.
But I'm wondering if you do find the person who encompasses all of these characteristics do you...

1) Write him off as a friend
2) Look for all his flaws, b/c no one can be that perfect
3) Give him a chance and risk getting hurt again
4) Put your guard up until he finally gives up

The reason I ask is because all of those things I listed are probably things I would do if i ever met him. The thing about woman who are serial loser daters they wouldn't know a nice guy if it bit them in the ass!

peace
freespirited mama

Here it is 2 years plus later, I have this beautiful growing little baby boy and we are so happy. I just got out of a relationship with a really nice guy, but no sparks. Well one night around valentines day 2005 I decided to indulge myself in a rather large bottle of wine next thing you know I'm watching love stories and calling my.......Ex! I know what your thinking, but not that one. My high school sweetheart, my first love the boy I wanted to marry. We ended up talking for 4 hours and falling asleep on the phone. It felt so nice to talk to him again, he was so sweet to me when we dated and I never really got over him. So we made plans to hang out and before long the old feelings had surfaced and we were back together. He fell head over heals in love with mase, who wouldn't! And it felt so great, I found a man who loved me, my son, and the best part I already knew him. His family, his friends, his past..... and his performance. It felt like a fairy tale, until we started catching up on the last 3 years of our lives. Mine was pretty simple partied, college, and of course had a baby and grew up really fast into a responsible adult! Wonder what he's been up to? Lost his full soccer scholarship at a good college, dropped out of school, drinking, drugs you know the usual. Hold up...what? Did you say drugs? I might have a kid and some worldly knowledge, but I don't mess with drugs. Never have, never will. He claimed to be clean for almost a year, and without question I believed him.

3 short months later after margaritas at El Sombrero or "The Hat" I popped the question. Yes, I did ask him to marry me! I was in love and excited and a little tipsy, but it was wonderful. It was one of those moments that you see on a movie. He said yes and we were engaged. My folks were thrilled let me tell you... not at all. So what comes next, already have the baby, found the guy, oh yes a ring..... Did I say ring I meant tattoos and matching ones. Little ankhs on our finger (despite what you are thinking I actually love this tattoo to this day) how sweet right!


So as perfect as this all seems, there has to be a catch. Nope if he had any flaws I look past them and loved him for who he was. We decided to have a baby so our children would be close together in age, and 8 months later we were pregnant. We were ecstatic and so was mase, it all seemed to fall into place.

Well if you were looking for a catch you found one. 2 short weeks after finding out we were expecting he started changing. Ahh isn't that nice, hope your not having doubts, because well I'M ALREADY F***ING PREGNANT!!!!! Next thing you know he's partying leaving me at home with mase alone and crying, never went to any doctor appointments, and wanted really nothing to do with me.

I'm a fool I let my heart get the best of me, this has already happened once. There is no way it's happening again! Well it did. I left him twice during my pregnancy. The first time took him back straight away, and the second we split during the last trimester and first 6 weeks of our daughters birth. He didn't even try to win me back, he had other priorities, his friends, going out. You know the important things in life. So it wasn't until my threat to move in with my sister 2 hours away, he started to protest. Next thing you know we are back living together and putting an a facade of a happy healthy family. As much as i wished that were the case, it wasn't.

To this day I still do not know why he did the things he did to me. Whether he got scared or just realized he was to young and selfish, i will never know. When our daughter was 9 months old I finally left, but for good this time. You can only cry so many tears for one individual, he had changed for good and was never turning back. The kids and I moved in with my sister a few weeks later and here I am today. It has been 9 months since I left a huge part of my life behind in hope to find happiness. I'm young but have been through so much in my 25 years of existence. My children are my rock and foundation, our journey hasn't been easy but filled with love.

peace
freespirited mama

I going back quite a few years (6 to be exact) to catch everyone up on how I became a single mama........

Ahhhh college those were the days, drink all night sleep all day, no worries no cares, right???? Well until a nurse at the health clinic tells you congratulations, your pregnant at 8 o'clock in the morning. I had her repeat it about 4 times before it sunk in considering I was only there to pick up birth control and condoms, and was still pretty drunk from the night before! I'm getting way ahead of myself, lets back up even further.

It's the summer before college and me and my high school sweetheart of 2 years had just split up, I was heart broken and devastated. He was my first love well and first at everything else as well! Anyway so I headed off to school with one goal in mind PARTYING!!! Hated boys, but loved to party, flirt, and of course tease. So 8 months plus of this behavior I was out at a bar (it was 1 dollar pitcher night of PBR) and needless to say I was very unaware this night would change the course of my life forever!!! I remember that night like it was yesterday, my best friend and I were doing some terrible white girl dance when a guy approached us. He was handsome and well dressed and he jumped right in and started dancing and the first words out of his mouth were "I'm so not hitting on you I'm gay". No joke his exact words. What do you really say to that? I just laughed and kept dancing. He said a friend of mine thinks your cute, well where is he and why can't he talk to me himself? I'm not a shy person at all, so I told him not to send you to do his dirty work if he wanted to talk to me then he has to grow some balls. Well balls he grew, he came over and we met. It was drunk love at first sight! He was cool and drove a motorcycle and threw all the keg parties. What else could you want in a boyfriend. He was extremely popular and everyone knew me because I was his girl. It was great for a while then things started changing, he would guilt me into doing his homework and writing his papers, and of course I did. He started lying, cheating but I was in love and was so inexperienced with relationships only having been in one, I let it roll off my shoulders and tried to please him. Finally after 8 months together, and many tears I broke up with him.

Something to be said for your mothers opinion! My mom hated him from day one, I should have seen the signs, haha.

After the break up he started following me around, showing up at my friends apartment, acting crazy, leaving insane messages. Wow so glad I got rid of him, well sort of. Two weeks later my friend asked if she could have one of my birth control packets because she ran out, of course you can I not having sex. I'll make an appointment next week and get some more. It's really humorous now looking back. About a week later I ran into my crazy Ex in my favorite bar, we were both pretty hammered and one thing lead to....well you know another! Afterwards I said thank you that was nice but I still don't want to get back together, he asked if he was just used, and I said pretty much.

He left and there was not much communication after that, we weren't friends but acquaintances. Now here we are I finally made it to the health clinic to pick up some more birth control. A little later than I anticipated, but no biggy.

What? I'm sorry can you repeat that? I'm what???? PREGNANT! 5 weeks to be exact, well isn't that funny 5 weeks ago I had drunk sex with my crazy Ex. Alright, what do I do first...tell him, tell my best friend, or tell my folks! Hmmmmm I'll tell my bff she'll be there for me, or I mean freak out for me!!! Ok, now I'll tell him. It wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting, but still I wasn't shocked when he asked or should I say told me to have an abortion. I can't do that, and I didn't. He had a choice either be involved or get the hell outta here. If he stays he can be a part of our child's life as much as he wants, If he goes he was never to return. I would never go after him for child support, would put N/A on all the paperwork, and continue with life as if I created my baby all by myself. And he agreed, the last time I have seen or heard from him was that day in my living room when I was 7 weeks prego.

I had a wonderful happy pregnancy, with tons of support from friends and family. And to this day I consider my son the greatest decision I ever made! He is my best friend and I have never regretted my actions or my decisions. I had him when I was 19 years old, I finished college on time, and to this day that is one of my biggest accomplishments. Who I am today is all because of him, he saved me. He is 5 years old now and happy and healthier than ever. He loves his mama, skateboarding, surfing, and playing soccer. Oh yeah and the wii.

peace

freespirited mama

Ok this is my first time, so I'm a little nervous bare with me. I am a blogger virgin. I have read many blogs but never had the kahunas to create my own. Until I stumbled over some blogs created by some brave single moms. I not only enjoyed immensely their stories about life, love, kids and "The Dreaded Ex's", but could relate to these woman on so many levels. So i decided tell my story . So here i am writing to anyone and everyone who is raising children on their own. You are not alone!!! Our jobs aren't easy and few can understand unless they have walked in our shoes, but man oh man is it worth it. To see my children's smiling faces everyday makes everything worthwhile. Now let me make something clear I have two children so most frequently they are not both smiling at the same time. One could be screaming, crying, sleeping etc. while the other is perfectly content but you get my drift. When i was 18 years old and headed off to college and to live on my own i had the world at my feet, never would or could i imagined my life how it is today at 25. But would i change it...never! Single moms have it rough but the perks make every disaster, temper tantrum, spill, headache worth it! I can't wait to share all my crazy stories and updates with all of you. And i hope everyone shares their stories and comments as well.

peace

Freespirited Mama

Wow, that wasn't that bad. I have just been blogger de-flowered! I must admit it was much better than my first de-virginizing experience, and a bit longer too!!!!